One of my major fears moving to Austin was that a few months after we got settled and the excitement of moving to a new state wore off, the husband and I would be friendless. Without friends, we would spend all of our free time focused on each other and only each other. No bueno.
Having no friends and no social life wasn’t an unfounded fear. Making friends is difficult. Plus, it’s not a skill that comes naturally to me. I can talk to anyone, but making the jump from casual conversation to, “Do you want to grab lunch or do this activity together?”…well, I might as well be asking for her kidney, that’s how uncomfortable it makes me. And yes, I get that that reveals a lot about me and my insecurities.
Additionally, we had friends who relocated to Colorado a year earlier. Like us, they both worked from home. Working from home can be isolating – especially in a new city – but that’s a post for another day. Between working from home and moving to the suburbs, they ran into some challenges making friends, which definitely affected how they felt about their new home.
So I moved to Austin acutely aware of how important it was to develop some version of a social life as quickly as possible. As such, I attended some meetups. I participated in events hosted by my co-working space. I explored the possibility of taking a class at UT. I joined a women’s climbing group. I went for coffee with anyone and everyone who would meet me. And in January, I joined a gym.
Over the past 7 months I’ve had lots of one-off conversations. I found meetups to be temporary fixes. Since Austin is a small town, I started seeing familiar faces at different meetups but there wasn’t enough chemistry with anyone to move beyond the organized format. Some of my initial coffee connections have the potential to develop into friendships, and there have been subsequent cups of coffee or lunches, but it’s a slow process.
I’ve had the most success meeting prospective friends while out with the dog and at the gym. That’s because owning a dog/joining a gym has allowed me to overcome the first obstacle to any friendship: establishing a connection through a shared experience or interest. Both also enable the frequent repetition of behaviors and meetings required to move from stranger I had a casual conversation with to acquaintance to friend. This repetition is important because I’ve found it takes approximately four interactions to start a friendship.
Here’s why:
If I run into someone while we’re out with our dogs and have a conversation once, it’s happenstance. We were in the same place at the same time by accident, and having a conversation was a way to pass the time. If the conversation didn’t suck, and our paths happen to cross again, odds are there will be another conversation, but the topics will still be safe and inconsequential – the weather, the latest headlines, maybe a new restaurant. By the fourth meeting – and by meeting I don’t mean casual passing on the street – we’ve exhausted the superficial topics. Plus, we have a better sense of the each other so the conversation can go a little deeper. Maybe instead of agreeing with everything, or being careful not to say anything weird or offensive, I express a stronger opinion or two – even if that opinion is something silly like the fact that I don’t like coffee or still regularly drink milk with meals. It’s those connections and knowledge that start to move an acquaintance relationship towards a friendship.
When it comes to the gym, or any weekly recurring activity for that matter, the first time I visit I’m a tourist. Since I might be a one-time-only visitor no one is invested. I’m not invested in meeting the people in the class beyond superficial introductions. They’re not invested in me since they’ve been committed for months and during that time seen lots one-and-done visitors. If I’m heading back for a fourth class, it probably means I’ll be back for a fifth class and that I paid for the month so I’ll be around for the next three-ish weeks (at least). Each class gives us another shared experience, which gives us something to talk about. Like the people I meet while walking the dog, by the fourth “I’m so sore,” or “That was a tough workout,” conversation we have to go a little deeper when walking to our cars or getting ready in the locker room.
In an effort to build a social life in our new city I’ve been using the Rule of Four for Friendships. By doing so I’ve worked through an initial round of prospective friends and am now onto the second round. I understand that real friendship takes months, and sometimes years, to nurture and develop, but I feel like we’re off to a promising start. Our social life isn’t quite what it used to be when we lived in Hoboken, but it’s got potential.